The Annihilation of the MarySue Brigade
by Stereophonic Aftershock
Summary: AU School setting. Edward, Roy and their respective friends are perfectly content with their life in Amestris Academy, even with Tucker, their camp alchemy teacher and ther current annoyance of the 'ninja' Maes. But with the arrival of Mary-Sues and OCs alike, their every day life is thrown into a farce, and they must become part of a Brigade. Not your average Anti-Sue fic!
1. Chapter 1

****Note**- Welcome to the rewrite of The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade; a fanfiction dedicated to raising awareness of our Mary-Sue infestation. The original had unfortunately, strayed more to an unprofessional side, so this rewrite will contain the ultimate Brigade- Double the Sues, double the ****humour****, double the parodies.  
This is a joint fanfic between me and Professor Lemur.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade**

**Mary-Sue's Character Profile**

**First Name:** Mary-Sue

**Nickname: **Aika, self proclaimed Epic-Fail Alchemist****

Last Name: Blackcurrant****

Gender: Female

**Weight: **105lbs****

Age: 16****

Favourite Colours: Red and White****

Favourite Animal: Dog- Mary-Sue hates cats  
**  
Favourite Food: **Tofu (She's a vegan and is lactose intolerant) **  
**

**Appearance: **Shoulder blade length black hair with her bangs covering her right eye, porcelain skin, blue eyes. Her skin is even paler that Roy's (Who she oddly looks a lot like) though, because she's the granddaughter of Truth from her mother's side. 4'11". She is part-Albino (trademark).

**Personality: **At the tender age of one, Mary-Sue perfected the science of Vocal Fail Alchemy, a mysterious technique locked away due to its destructive nature. Mary-Sue is not aware of this, and uses it to save kittens from trees and help little old ladies to cross the road. Mary-Sue is a major FMA fan: she frequently visits the fansites, her favourite being (trademark). She idolises Edward Elric and Roy Mustang, and has felt that though her world does not have alchemy, the two exist in Amestris. For her beliefs and kindly nature, Mary-Sue is bullied by that dratted Leonardo Harvey and Oskar Logan. They believed her to be beneath them, and despite her many pleas, refuse to leave her alone. Mary-Sue's favourite sport is basketball, and she likes to play outside of school. She is in her school's basketball team and every girl in the team wish to be just like her. She wishes that she could live in Amestris, where everyone could understand her, as she is very misunderstood.  
Her parents abandoned her and her older brother shortly after she was born, so she has developed severe abandonment issues. Due to her lactose intolerance, she hates milk, and is short for her age.

Her favourite hobby is whistling, and she has managed to use this to call for a taxi many times.  
Despite eating as much as she does, Mary-Sue does not gain any weight, which the girls in her school are very jealous about. She is very loyal, but is hopeless and ditzy. She is very smart, and excels at all of her subjects at school. She learnt every martial art before she turned eleven, so she can kick someone's ass when needed.  
**  
Schooling: **Mary-Sue is currently attending Sparkly Poo High School- a prestigious school for advanced pupils.

**Nationalities: **She is American, but is also half-Japanese.

**Spoken Languages: **Mary-Sue is fluent in every language known to man.

**Family: **Gary-Stu Blackcurrant (Brother)


	2. Chapter 2

****Note**- This is the first chapter; it has underwent numerous inspections in order to come to you as it is. Treat it with care. This fanfic is your friend.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter I**

It has been a long, monotonous year for fifteen years old Edward Elric; his younger brother (by one year and yet is so much taller than him,) Al had just recently started dating Winry Rockbell, a young girl, who was in Ed's Music and Physics classes.  
She was beautiful and blond, and recently moved to Central from her home in Resembool, a small village in the east of Amestris. Winry was addicted to mechanics, and had started a business with her grandmother Pinako, called 'Rockbell's Automail'. The girl had lost her surgeon parents when she was five, during the Ishbal rebellion, leaving her with just her grandmother to raise her.

Ed's other friends; Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye (nicknamed the Killer Queen) had begun dating each other, just last week.  
There was a new student in Ed's Alchemy, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Literacy, Math's and drama classes, the asshole Roy Mustang, who frequently insults him. Nevertheless, they did have a slight friendship, though neither would dare say this aloud. Roy, like his friend/enemy/secret lover, was fifteen, and top of the Science (Alchemy, Physics, Chemistry and Biology) branch.

As it had turned out, the man who had murdered Winry's parents was a budding serial killer, known only as 'Scar'; he was an Ishbalan, and coincidentally, someone the Rockbell doctors had saved.  
He had now quit his day job of killing State Alchemists, (Alchemists hired by the Military to cause explosions and blame it on foreign countries) and had decided to rid the world of scum.

Unfortunately, for him, the greatest scum had not yet appeared. However, the Führer President King Emperor Prime Minister General Chancellor Dictator Pharaoh Bradley (Trademark) had actually hired him to dispose of the rapists and murderers.

So now, the short, bored, short, blond, midget that prefers to be called Ed was sitting in his Alchemy class, listening to the insane psychopath, Shou Tucker, while sorting out the headphones to his autoPod (Trademark), so he can listen to his random music. He was about to listen to a stunning song by Lyra- 'Everybody's a Stone.'  
'Well,' he said as he managed to undo the headphones, 'It's about time!' he ignored Shou's words of 'When I turned my daughter into a chimera'.  
The man used to be in prison, but his current community work involved teaching students of Amestris Academy the subtle art of alchemy.  
Roy Mustang smirked, and flicked a ball of paper to Ed, who rolled his eyes as he opened it, and saw doodles of Tucker in a straitjacket. The blond male wrote something on it and threw it back to him.

Roy opened the paper and grinned when he saw what Edward had written, _'I so totally want one.'_  
Roy smiled as he wrote the reply, passing it to Edward with a wink.

Shou did not like that. Not one bit. He took a transmutation circle out of his pocket, imagined using it on the two, deposited it, and then said, "Boys! Pay attention!"  
After they paid him no attention, he made his way over to them, with his patience running low, and his temper flying high. He stopped in front of them just when Ed passed the paper back to Roy- who was sitting at the desk next to his.  
Shou took the note before Roy could reply to Ed, walked to the front, and read the conversation aloud:  
'**I so totally want one. **_Sure, I'll get you one. Right after I get you that flying car you wanted, and the feather-light autoPod._** Fuck you Mustang. **_Well, I can't argue with that. But I thought you liked Whiny. _**Who, Winry? No! She's going out with my brother! **_Oh yeah, what does he see in her again? _**Uhhh… Boobs?**_ Hmmm, she has boobs. _**What****? **_Apparently, there's a rumour going around that she's actually a dude. _**Hmmm, awesome.**_ Really? _**DUDE NO! **_-Smirks- Well, who do you like then? That Noah girl? Her twin Rose? _**Dude, I'm gay…** Very insightful boys,' Shou finished, putting the paper in his pocket and sitting back down in his chair, leaving Ed and Roy gaping.

_

'That guy's a fucking freak! He read the _whole_ note aloud. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!' Ed moaned, to all the others sat at the cafeteria table.  
Winry raised an eyebrow, 'Yeah, apparently you both talked about me, what did you say?'  
She knew of course, Al, who had volunteered to spy on his brother for her, had told her all about it, Roy calling her whiney, Ed _knowing_ that it was her the older male was on about, the rumour about her being a man, (which Roy was the one to spread in the first place) and Ed being gay.

'Not much.' Ed dismissed easily.  
Winry and Al's eyes narrowed, 'Oh really? Nothing about Winry being a man?' Al asked.  
Ed shook his head, 'Nope. Nothing.'  
'I thought you two hate each other anyway?' Russell Tringham asked.  
Alphonse glared at him, 'Shut it.'  
'Geez, sorry. I'm just confused; they always act like they want to kill each other.'  
'We act?' Ed asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

'Dude!' Jean cried, 'He really did that?'  
Roy nodded, 'Yeah, so now, me and the shrimp have a detention, and from the sound of that screech, the midget's just got yelled at by Whiny.'  
Riza raised an eyebrow. 'He's standing right behind me, isn't he?' Roy asked.  
Jean nodded, 'Uh-huh'  
'Hey shrimp,' Roy smiled, as he turned round to look at the short blond.  
'**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN****'****T BE KILLED BECAUSE DEATH CAN****'****T SEE HIM?**' Ed shrieked as he pinched Roy by the ear, and dragged him over to his own table.  
To Winry.  
Roy gulped at the inevitable death sentence; no doubt, she knew that it was he who had started the rumour.  
'Tell them,' Ed said monotonously.  
'Uhhh, I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS GAY!'  
Ed face palmed and turned bright red as the whole canteen went silent and turned to face them, 'About the rumour.'  
'Oh. Um. The shrimp had nothing to do with it. It was all me,' the black haired male smirked proudly.  
'**WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SMALL TO BE ON TOP**?'  
Roy cleared his throat; everyone was still staring at them, so the whole room went completely awkward, 'Umm, you?'  
'**DON****'****T CALL ME SMALL! I****'****LL RIP OFF YOU****R**** HEAD AND STICK IT ON YOUR NECK!**'  
'Ed, that makes no sense,' Jean said, alerting Edward to reality, so he knew about the staring people.  
'Uhh, hehehe?'

'Boys, you know the school's Sex Ed teacher, Hélène Solaris,' Shou said, motioning to a sexy woman wearing a dress that was _excessively_ inappropriate for the school.  
Ed and Roy nodded.  
'Well, you both will be assisting in her project.'  
'Project?' Roy asked.  
'It's to raise awareness about the different forms of love, I need people to act out various parts in it, and the last two places are perfect for you two.'  
Ed raised an eyebrow.  
'A gay couple.'  
'WHAT!' the two male students yelled.


	3. Chapter 3

****Note**- The Mary-Sue chapter appears. I feel sorry for Oskar and Leo…  
**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade**

**Chapter II  
**

Mary-Sue 'Aika Epic-Fail' Blackcurrent-chan waltzed to her locker. She had a good feeling about today, something good was about to happen, she just knew it!  
Unfortunately, when she got there, a CD was in the place of her beloved picture of Edward Elric naked (drawn by herself). Fuming, as that picture was excellent, an A* piece of artwork that she was very proud of. She lifted the CD, and saw that underneath, her drawing lay defiled- Ed was now sitting on a stickfigure labeled 'Roy Mustang'. That Logan did this! She recognized his handwriting. She swore in Parseltongue; Edward was not gay! He was destined to marry Winry! Roy was meant for _her_! She looked at the CD: there was writing on it. 'L'arc en Ciel?' she wondered, 'Never heard of 'em.'  
She stormed to the cafeteria; the happy feeling inside her had disapparated like Mundungus Fletcher in the final Harry Potter novel. Two teenage boys sat at a table close to the door. One of them had short, bright pink hair (due to a bet involving overweight ginger midgets). He wore a t-shirt bearing the words, 'I hate you, so Sue me.' The picture accompanying it was of a girl with long, ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches her mid-back. She looked just like Amy Lee (AN- If you don't know who she is, get da hell outta here!)  
The other boy was a ginger, so therefore he had no soul. He wore a black suit with a matching top hat, a monocle, and he was casually smoking a bubble pipe with a slightly vacant smile.

They were laughing and talking, about her no doubt! How she hated them! She made her way towards the first boy. 'Oi you, Logan.'  
'Logan' rose from his seat, 'You know,' he said, 'I do hate it when the Epic-Fail Alchemist interrupts our cheerful lunch. What problem ails you today Sue? Have you been met by a slut trying to steal your boyfriend? Why don't you and Julie attack the school's pep rally?'  
Mary-Sue glared at him, 'Her name's _Julia_, and leave her alone!'  
'Right, I forgot- Sephy doesn't exist.'  
'_Seph_!'  
'No, I'm Oskar.'  
She screamed at him. Oskar Logan was so infuriating; she could ambush him in an alley! Instead, she threw the CD on the dirty table, 'Stop putting shit in my locker! Baka!'  
Oskar simply tossed the album in the bin, 'I have another album anyway. But I thought you liked this music Sue, that's why I gave it to you.'  
'So what about my _picture_ you baka?' she moaned, 'Kyee! I hate you so much!'  
Oskar shrugged, 'Explain to me why this is a bad thing, please.'  
'Usero!'  
'Oh screw you Blackcurrant-Sama-Sensei-Senpai-Sensei-Sama-Senpai-Sama.'  
'Nyuu! This isn't over Logan! You're just jealous of me! Hooky-Hook-Hook- Desu Kaa! You Sasuke!'  
Oskar shook furiously of being compared to a whiny emo teenager with magical powers. He drew back his fist, ready to punch the girl for dishonouring him. He was stopped by a teacher's cry, 'Logan, Blackcurrant-chan! Cease this bickering and retire to the principal's office!'  
For a second, the entire hall assumed Leo Harvey spoke, before he added, 'I agree with this charming lady Oskar-pal. Discontinue the flaming you prep.'  
Oskar screwed up his face, 'A whiny, emo teenager prep with magical powers. I've become Harry Potter.'

'Now you two, you have to stop fighting, usually, this is just a school child's crush, where the kids have a crush on each other. But this touchiness is getting way out of proportion,' the male principle said while fondling himself.  
Logan snorted; his right cheek was beginning to show a bruise.  
The principle shook his head, 'Now Oskar, play nicely and tell me your side of the story.'  
'Well,' he started, 'me and Leo were sitting at our table, casually having our lunch, when Mary-Sue comes over screaming about a CD and a picture. It was horrible! I swear, her voice was too high for _bats_ to hear! Naturally I wasn't impressed; we had just been talking about how fake the X-Factor was-.'  
Mary-Sue droned out his words; how dare he insult one of her favourite T.V. shows! She was so happy when Little Mix won last year!  
Mary-Sue was upset. At least her poster was in the office for her to admire: it was an awareness campaign of two Chihuahuas, the title said, 'SAVE THE NEIGHBOURHOOD SQUIRRELS!' in bold green lettering.  
'Logan, you know not to do this. Some people haven't had a simple upbringing like you.'  
Logan's eyes twitched, 'Simple? My upbringing is _anything _but simple.'  
'And neither is Mary-Sue's, but she doesn't insult your family, so you shouldn't insult hers. You must learn to respe-.'  
Logan gaped, 'WHAT? LAST WEEK SHE SAID THAT I WAS _JEALOUS_ OF HER BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A FAMILY!'  
'Logan, Mary-Sue has no family. She lost everybody when they abandoned her and her brother. He's retaaaarded. I mean, special. Very very special. And we must learn to understand that they just didn't have such a good life as yours.'  
Mary-Sue sniffed, 'He's making it up sensei-kun! He's lying and I would _never_ say anything like that. And you can't ask his friend; he would say I did say it. I didn't sensei , honest!'  
'Logan, I'm going to have to give you a detention. You let the school down.' the principle said while Mary-Sue burst into fountains of tears.  
Logan stood up and kicked the chair away from him, and made to leave, but was stopped by the principle, "Oskar Alfred Logan, I want you to apologize to Mary-Sue."  
"Fine. Sorry you're such a fucking whore Mary-Sue," he grumbled and left the room.

The next day, Oskar was excluded.


	4. Chapter 4

****Note**- This is the third installment of The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade.  
I don't think I **_**need**_** a disclaimer. Everyone knows that I'm Hiromu Arakawa-san-senpai-chan-kun.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade**

**Chapter III**

'So Scar, have you had any recent kills yet?' Führer President King Emperor Prime Minister General Chancellor Dictator Pharaoh Bradley asked the ex-con, as they walked down the halls of the Military HQ  
Scar answered him by pulling out his black sunglasses, putting them on while saying, 'No, but I'm _dying_ to kill someone.'

**YEAH!**

'-and then, we have to sing about our fantasies coming true. Seriously, the only way our detention could get any _gayer _would be if Garfiel was there.'  
'Who's Garfiel?' Kain asked innocently, while synchronizing his own autoPod.  
Roy said, 'Shou Tucker's homosexual bum-chum.'  
'I still can't believe we have to be a couple. I'm not into Mustang. I like blokes who build rockets,' Ed added.  
Winry wrinkled her nose, 'Alphons Heidrich? He's as straight as our headmaster.'

**Meanwhile**

'Oh Ling! YES!'  
'Why sir, shall we take this into your office?'

After their detention, Edward and Roy sat down at their desks in their alchemy class. Ed slumped in his seat with a huff- his character's relationship with Roy's had become…intimate…  
An extremely girly voice cut him off from his musing, 'Hmmmm!' Ed looked up to see Shou in Garfiel's manly arms.  
Ed saw Roy shudder out of the corner of his eye, as Garfiel's hand found its way to Tucker's crotch, gently caressing it, unzipping the zip…  
There was a loud _'pop!'_ as Shou broke free from Garfield's mouth, 'Oh! Garfey! We _really_ must stop!' he exclaimed, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.  
Garfiel pouted horrifically, 'Oh, but Shou-baby boy, I think I've been a bad, bad diva, don't you?'  
'What the-?' exclaimed Headmaster Yoku Solaris, who had conveniently walked in, 'Shou! Garfiel! Get out of here! This is a school, not a brothel!

**After Yoku swiftly hired a new Alchemy teacher**

'Okay party girls! Let's get this show on the road!'  
'…Dad?' Ed asked.  
Hoheheim looked at his son through his thick layer of makeup, 'Hello Eddie!'  
Edward promptly gave himself brain damage by assaulting his desk a thousand times over with his head.

'Okay, so do you all have your ingredients? Very good!' Hoheheim smiled flirtatiously as the students raised their buckets of dust to him, 'Now, let's begin.'  
Everyone pressed their hands against the circumference of the transmutation circles. A bright light came out of nowhere, and magically turned the dust into a doll. It was a miracle!

'Well done everyone! I love you all!' Papa Ho-Ho blew kisses to the class. Suddenly, a butterfly flew past their window. Hoheheim loves butterflies, so he jumped off the tenth floor of the ten-storey school, in an attempt to catch it. He died. Epically.

'Well,' Ed muttered after gaining a permanent mental image of his drag queen father dancing the Can-Can, 'Let's just remember, I AM only one foot _smaller_ than Thumbelina.'


	5. Chapter 5

****Note**- ATTENTION! BEWARE OF THE TEXT SPEAK!**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Hanna's Character Profile**

**Chapter IV  
**

**Name: **Hanna**  
**

**Age: **16****

Height: 5'3"

**Weight: **105.3lbs****

Family: None in the FMA world, her brother is Rickayyy. Neither of them have a last name, because their parents couldn't afford one.****

Personality: Really nice but can be mean when necessary. Hanna is sometimes really naïve and can sometimes be mixed in with couples of guys who are usually up to no good. She makes friends with people who treat her nice, and any enemy of her friends are also her enemies.****

Description: Hanna has shoulder blade length, sunrise blond hair and blue-green eyes. She has light skin not as pale as Mary-Sue's but super close it's scary so maybe a shade darker.

_

There was a new girl in Mary-Sue's class, Hanna, her name was. She seemed nice enough. But when she had entered the room, she was wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt, instantly making Mary-Sue want to tear it off and burn it while dancing barefoot around a burning effigy of Hello Kitty.  
When she was introduced to the class however, Mary-Sue felt a sudden urge to befriend her, she wanted to have a friend to help her have a go at the others.  
Also, she apparently had a fit brother.  
Hanna was told to take the seat next to Mary-Sue's, the nervous blond girl sat in the allocated seat, and asked Mary-Sue, 'What's your name?'  
'I'm Mary-Sue Blackcurrant! But you can just call me Aika! I use that nickname because I'm exactly like Aika Mustang in Just a Dream by MikiInUnderworld! I hate cats, and I LOVE dogs!'  
'… Really?'  
'Oh, and by the way, I'm SUPER popular! Logan and Harvey are the most nerdy people like evaaaarrr! Lol smiley face ex-dee.'  
Leo raised his eyebrows, 'Oh yes,' he said, collapsing before her and bowing, 'All hail, mighty Epic-Fail Alchemist! Verily!'  
Mary-Sue glared at him, 'Ooooh! Stop that! Leave mii alone!11oneleven.'  
'Uh-huh,' Hanna said.

**Two Months Later**

Hanna and Mary-Sue quickly became friends, their mutual FMA fangirliness, and taste in music drew them together like a pair of curtains. Open. Close. Open. Close. It's a nice action.  
Hanna introduced Mary-Sue to her brother, Rickayyy and the two started a fast relationship which was based around Rickayyy listening to Mary-Sue's bullshitting with 'interest'.  
'OMG!' Hanna cried, 'R u goin 2 dat dnc at skl 2moz?'  
'Oooh! Me and Rickayyy are going together, he's so Kawaii!'  
'OMG! U 2 luk so kawaii 2gethr! Me 'n' Barrr r goin aswel lol! Cnt wate lol!'

**At the dance**

'O Mary-Sue-La! U luk amazin! OMG! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'  
'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' Mary-Sue and Rickayyy howled their mating call in unison.  
All three walked onto the dance floor, smelling the faint smell of aroma coming from Mary-Sue's Burberry perfume.Behind Bars by The Wanted started playing, making all the people (except Mary-Sue, Rickayyy, Hanna and Barrr) groan.  
'OH COME ON!' cried a random teenage boy, 'Play something good God damn it!'  
'Oh,' Mary-Sue said.  
'Mwah,' Hanna also said.  
'Gawd,' Rickayyy and Barrr chorused.  
The teenager turned to the small group of chavs, 'Oh yey. The Mary-Sue Brigade of Sparkly Poo High.'  
'Yea, verily. How I loathe thee, horde of Maria-Susans! Let's drink cups of tea and while the dance away talking about the Crimean War!' the ginger said in a high pitched posh voice, 'Oooh!'  
Oskar Logan turned to the Victorian seeming boy (who was wearing a lovely dinky black bowler hat) and said, 'Leo, you're doing it again.'  
'Damnation.'  
'Bloody British,' Oskar said.  
The Mary-Sue Brigade moved as one towards Oskar, 'Yer star'in'?' they asked.  
Oskar looked down his nose at the 'brainless scum', he poked them in the foreheads, 'You know, I believe I am!' he then whispered, 'What are you gonna do 'bout it?'  
'Thou hast incurred our eternal divine vengeance!' Leo chided in.  
In a bout of frustration, Oskar took Leo's bowler hat off, and smacked him on the back of his head with it.  
Leo fell to the ground with a soft poof.  
There was a few moments silence as everyone looked at the unconscious ginger swot. He staggered to his feet after waking up and draped his arm over Rickayyy's shoulder, 'Hiyaa darrrliiiiiinnnng! It's been a while since our last shower together,' he winked.

'OH MY GOD!' everyone except the Mary-Sues, Charlie and Leo cried, 'Alan Carr?'  
'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!' Rickayyy screamed like a girl, shaking his hands as he remembered the last time he dropped the soap.  
The results weren't pretty…

_'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!', Rickayyy screamed as he yet again dropped the soap. Alan Ca- I mean Leo popped out! 'Don't worry dahhhhlink! It won't hurt as much this time round!' He grinned, holding up a tin of Vaseline, 'It's not rape if you yell surprise. SURPRISE!' As if on cue, Justin Bieber's "Baby" boomed on in the background, and Rickayyy started to scream in rhythm, while Leo Ca- *sigh* groaned and moaned…_

The Mary-Sue Brigade ran off screaming after all seeing the convenient flashback.  
'Lovely,' Oskar said shuddering.  
'It sooo wass Charkle!'  
Oskar face palmed.


	6. Chapter 6

****Note**- Yawn.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter V**

Scar was walking down a corridor in Central HQ, when Brigadier General Basque Grand met him.  
'Scar! How many sunglasses are you wearing?'  
'Who? Me?' Scar asked he reached into his jackets inside pocket. 'I'm wearing,' he put a pair of sunglasses over the ones he was already wearing, 'Two.'

**YEAH!  
**

Ed cleared his throat, 'You know, I'm starting to wonder whether I actually want to be gay for this month.'  
'You can choose?' Roy asked.  
Ed shook his head, 'No, but Tucker, Garfiel and dad have creeped me out. Even _Winry_ doesn't seem so…'

'Annoying?' Roy asked.  
Russell said 'Whiny?'  
'Bitchy?' Jean supplied.  
'Mary-Sue like…' Ed corrected.  
'WHAT?' Winry screeched, 'I am NOT Mary-Sueish! Get _back_ here you midget!'

'Hahaha.' the Headmaster, Yoku Solarislaughed deadpanned.

'Sir?' the overweight secretary, Tony Solaris asked, 'About… _That place_.'  
Yoku turned to his younger brother, 'Tony, Selim has told me about the people of that place. The black-haired girl's name is Mary-Sue.'  
'And the boy? The one who hates her?'  
'The pale one? He is Oskar Logan.'  
Tony bit the inside of his lip, 'Yoku, are you really planning on-.'  
'Father told me, we need the girl. It seems she has a tremendous amount of power. He said she could perfect Vocal Fail Alchemy at one year old.'

'The boy?' the bald man asked, 'Does _he _have any power?'  
'No. I just want him for… Amusement.'  
Yoku pressed his right index finger to his laptop, the new Windows 7 touch screen technology developed by Pinako Rockbell activated, a video played, showing the brothers a dance floor with people arguing.  
_'__Oh yey. The Mary-Sue Brigade of Sparkly Poo High.__'__  
__'__Yea, verily. How I loathe thee, horde of Maria-Susans! Let__'__s drink cups of tea and while the dance away talking about the Crimean War.'  
__'__Leo, you__'__re doing it again.'  
__'__Damnation.__'__  
__'__Bloody British.  
_Yoku traced his finger over the image of the Ginger One, 'This one. We can have a lot of fun with him.'

Winry sat at her music desk, eagerly waiting for the chance to skive off the actual lesson, and play shit instead. She was paired with Ed, so whenever they showed their irrelevant work to their teacher Invidia Solaris, it was always by Ludwig Van Beethoven- Famous Time-Traveler FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!

Fortunately, before the lesson actually began, Yoku ran into the classroom, 'Everybody outside! It's here! One of our students has been severely injured!'  
They had practised the drill for years, but something told them that this was real. It could have been the blood on Yoku's hands but they could not be sure.  
The class ran outside to the schoolyard to see Jean Havoc holding his badly broken legs, 'Uhhh. Pain hurts, dude...'  
'What happened?' Invidia asked.  
Izumi, the P.E. teacher, hovered her hands over Jean, 'It seems,' she said, 'That this boy has been hit by an extinct form of Alchemy.'  
Sofia Ioannou (Formally Solaris), the Cretan teacher gasped. 'You don't mean-.'  
'Yes. Vocal Fail Alchemy.'  
The entire school gasped, some students even fainted, 'B-but Ms Curtis!' Yoku cried, 'How is this possible?'  
Izumi stared at her employer, _'The gate is about to be opened.'_  
Izumi looked at her employer, 'It seems, the gate is about to be opened.'


	7. Chapter 7

PL: SA doesn't own FMA, only the OCs, so don't sue her.  
Me: Or McDonalds! On with the story!

**Just A Dream?  
Chapter 1  
Past from Hell-**

Director: No! Cut that shit out!  
Me: Oops, sorry!

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter VI**

'Like, seriously Hanners, you'll love Rickayyy! :3 He is so sweet! ^_^ Jessi and everyone thinks I'mma slut because I live with my thirty year old boyfriend but I dunno they are just jealous.' the black-haired teen said to her friend. They were 'working' at McDonalds for the last time; Springbreak was coming up and nobody wants to be stuck in a fast food restaurant the entire time.  
The blonde looked over at her friend and mumbled, 'Yh Ai, bt du u thnk it's wse 2 b dtng a 30 yr old guy rght aftr ur entre famly wr banged.'  
Aika-Sue sighed and said leaning on the cashregister, 'I guess but why should it matter I was adopted and it really sucks to find that out at their funeral sometimes Iwish I could just go away and be somewhere with friends that won't try to leave me all the time somewhere that Icould be appreciated,' Mary-Sue said in one breath.  
They stood in silence for a few minutes until the door chimed and Rickayyy walked in, with his hands tucked down his tracksuits he approached Mary-Sue's register. Blood dripped from every hole in his body, and he was dragging a human arm, but no one noticed… Or cared… 'Yeah, I want… You. Like, innit.'  
'OH MY GWAD! RICKAYYY! DAT IS SO KAWAII!'  
Oskar (who was sitting at a table with food from KFC) silently pointed the human arm out to Leo, who then raised his eyebrows the highest they could get in disgust, (seeing as he wasn't surprised).  
Mary-Sue smiled and said, 'What is it Rickayyy? You know I can't have visitors at work!'  
He smiled showing his horrific gold fillings and chipped teeth (in fact, some teeth were missing altogether), 'Just wanted to like, innit, see what time ya got off, innit mate? Blud.'  
Mary-Sue whipped her back and forth (She whipped her hair back and for- she whipped her hair back and for-) and simply said, 'Midnight, while turning potato red.  
Rickayyy nodded and walked back out the door, leaving the bloody arm to rot on the floor.  
There was a deep silence.  
Oskar coughed.  
More silence.  
He spoke up, 'Isn't anyone going to notice the severed arm?'  
'What severed arm?' the other people in the fast food restaurant asked.

**11:27pm the same morning**

Mary-Sue slowly inserted the key into the door of the apartment, and then took it out, (in, out, in, out, shake it all about), then put it back in for good measure, she shared with Rickayyy and never really complained about the 'dead bodies' that she never saw him bring back.  
She opened the door and stepped over the threshold, screaming as she seened the sight before her. Rickayyy was covered in blood with a knife in his hand, blindly stabbing at air. Aika turned and ran back to her car (because even though she's sixteen she can so totally drive), locking the door then hyperventilating hopelessly, before pulling out her cellphone and dialling 911. The operator answered and Mary-Sue yelled, 'P-please help me! I need the ambulance! M-my boyfriend is killing someone!'  
'Okay ma'am, calm down and stay where you are, I've tracked your call and a _police _car is on its way.'  
Aika hung up the phone and dialled Hanna's cell, whipping her tears from her eyes.  
She heard Hanna's ringtone Bad Romance play… Even though they were like, over 9000 miles away from each other.  
'GRRR who is it ya prick? Fuckin' council! With their fuckin' taxes!' Hanna screamed into the phone.

'Uhh, Hanners. It's me, Mary-Sue… Can you ask your mom if I could come and live with ya'll for a while Rickayyy isn't a murderer! He's dishonoured your family! YAAAAAA!' Mary-Sue said in a Texan accent.  
Hanna farted, 'Yh Ai, spose I cn du tht. Wn u cummin ovr?'

Aika sighed and said, 'When the fire department leave will you wait for me? I don't think it will take too long… Just up to 24 hours…'  
Mary-Sue could hear the non-existence cogs grinding as Hanna 'thought' through the decision, 'Of cors duck, I'll b up thr wth ma tn fuckin' Bratz. Brap ting ting muva fucker! Ting. I jst gt CoD and CoS.'  
Aika chuckled then said, 'Yeah! Sounds fun… Well I gotta go, the AA just got here.'  
She hung up the phone and began talking to the officer as she watched Rickayyy being restrained and then taken away.  
'You think that air in there was fun? No, no my dear! Your air, and you other air were very arousing! All its non-existent screaming, then when you Papa air came in oh Aika you would have been even better. 'Cause you're such a fuckin' airhead!'  
Mary-Sue gasped and turned to the officer, 'No!'

**One minute of very slow questioning later**

Mary-Sue sat in the car outside of Hanna's house, finally calming the tears enough to decide to go inside and tell Hanna nothing of what Rickayyy said.  
'Oh Ai, did u gt al of ur prn?' Hanna said opening the door, revealing her friend and alone suitcase. Aika nodded then mumbled, 'Yeah, everything else is in the car… OOOAH! I only need this for girls walked in and Hanna immediately started the girls watched from episode 1 to 3 before falling asleep.'  
'Wt a reet fuckin' mathful frm ya duck!' Hanna said in her sleep.  
Mary-Sue rolled over, her hand caressing the television, making it glow an eerie blue colour in excitement. Then thousands of tiny hands shot out of the T.V. and molested the two girls, pulling them into The Gate!

**Oskar's room of the care home in which he lives…**

Leo and Oskar were sat watching episodes from Salad Fingers on JewTube.  
Oskar was confused, 'So Leo… Is it a green person or a salad?'  
Leo shrugged, 'A closeted homo-whatever?'  
Oskar nodded, pulling a Stephen face from this year's The Apprentice. He jumped as a random cool person appeared on the screen, 'Amestris needs YOU!' the person said, much like the army-recruiting poster from World War One.  
Oskar was silent for a minute before saying, 'Goddamn Spyware,' while closing the lid of his COMPAQ laptop.  
That night he dreamt the following dream.

"_MWAHAHAHAHA!" a man with a Satan beard and Lazytown moustache laughed, "I, the evil Paul Briscoe, will take over the world!"  
Oskar, Leo and their friends Ryan, Siena and Derek were stood staring as their English teacher, Dave's evil twin laughed like a madman.  
'What are we gonna do!' Ryan cried, grabbing his girlfriend and making out with her._

'The only thing we can do, Binky Boy! Try to take over the world!'_ Derek cried, Oskar gave him a confused look._

'Here Charkle!' Leo said, he held out his hand which contained twelve pills of ecstasy, 'It's not safe to go in alone! Take these!'  
Oskar's eyes widened, 'Wait, what? Alone_?'  
Leo nodded, Oskar sighed. He took the pills and chewed them, then swallowed, 'Mmm, chicken.'  
'Now go!' Siena cried.  
Oskar ran past so many people: Hanna, Rickayyy, Mary-Sue, the cast of Friends, 'Hey! Autographs!' he cried.  
After getting the autographs, he ran towards Leo yelling, 'EAGLE!'_

Oskar shot up screaming, 'NOO! OLIVER!'  
Leo woke up and noticed that they were in an office, "Uhh, Oskar old bean? Have you noticed where we are?"  
Oskar looked around and stood up, he pulled the hood of his skeleton jumpsuitdown and looked around, 'Oh shit… Our characters now seem like Gary-Stus…'  
Leo nodded, 'What did you dream this time?'  
Oskar shuddered, 'Mary-Sue was in it…'

****Note**- This entire chapter has been trademarked.**


	8. Chapter 8

****Note**-** **PL: By reading this chapter for every two minutes, two pounds (or dollars) will go straight to my bank account, so even if you don't like it, I'm still getting rich. Hehe, Suckers.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter VII**

Scar and Maes (he was doing an apprenticeship thing) were leaning over a dead body.  
'It seems,' Maes said, 'That the victim had her eyes removed, and was raped through the sockets.'  
'Well,' Scar replied, 'It seems,' he put on his sunglasses, 'She didn't see it coming.'

**YEAH!**

'How is he?' Roy asked Clara, the school nurse, after sleeping with her to prove his heterosexuality.  
Clara shrugged, buttoning up her blouse, 'It's hard to say; Vocal Fail Alchemy is extremely dangerous. At this minute, it could be destroying his brain matter.'  
Roy nodded him and his friends (which included Ed and _his_ friends… Even though they _still_ won't admit it.) were waiting outside Havoc's room in the mini hospital thing in their school…  
Führer President King Emperor Prime Minister General Chancellor Dictator Pharaoh Bradley Trademark (Solaris) turned up at the door, 'I need to speak to the school.'

'As you may be aware,' the Führer said to the school, 'One of our students- Jean Havoc, has been attacked by an extinct form of Alchemy known as Vocal Fail Alchemy.'  
Ripples of convenient muttering were carried throughout the school, and were silenced by Bradley Solaris raising his hand, 'Yes, yes. It's terrifying, I know. But thanks to Pinako Rockbell-'  
'I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was _my_ idea.'  
'… Thank you… Thanks to Pinako Rockbell, your headmaster, Yoku, was able to observe the one that caused this tragedy.'  
'Is he going to make it?' a random student asked.  
'We aren't entirely sure.'  
Yoku shook his head, 'The only one who knew about it was Van Hoheheim. And according to the Alchemy class formerly taught by Shou Tucker, he jumped out the window and died.'  
The Führer sighed, 'Yoku has managed to recruit two people that will be able to help. They will lead **The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade**.' There was a clap of convenient thunder.  
The sound of two teens being dragged into the hall was heard. One was a ginger boy wearing a bowler hat, and the other was a pink-haired boy wearing a skeleton jumpsuit.  
'Watch where you're putting that hand!' the second boy cried as Hélène dragged him in, 'I know I'm gorgeous and everything, but that _doesn't_ warrant molesting me!'  
The ginger however, complied, he walked in with Tony, 'So old chap, you happen to share the same name as my dear accomplice's boyfriend's father.'  
The two teens were now stood in front of the whole school, the first was jovially waving at the students, while his friend just glared at his kidnappers.  
'Now, introduce yourselves,' Tony told them.  
In an elegant and all-too-showy movement, Leo took off his bowler hat and bowed, 'Salutations fellow countrymen! My name is Leonardo Marmaduke Giles Harvey. My fox hunting partners refer to me as Leo. For some reason, I am called Alan Carr oftentimes. Only, that is when my other personality turns up.'  
The pink-haired teen just put up his right hand and said rather smugly, 'Oskar Logan, sexy sex God in training.'  
Leo raised his eyebrow, 'Oskar my good sir, what was that all about, hmm?'  
'It's just another victory for America.'  
Ed shifted in his seat, 'These aren't Gary-Stus, are they?'  
'Oh God no!' Oskar screamed, 'That'd be Mary-Sue's 'very special' brother… Can't blame you for wondering.'  
'Eh?' Kain asked.  
'Curse the Lord!' Leo cried, 'By perchance, it seems that Mary-Sue and her friend Hanna will be doing a spot of fangirling like the vermin they are!'  
'Why is that?' Invidia asked.  
Oskar shook his head, 'I don't want us to do anymore damage to our characters more than what's been done already.'  
Silence.  
'We have a rather appalling habit of breaking the fourth wall,' Leo explained, 'Verily. Hello author, by the way.' A large booming voice replied from the heavens: 'HELLO, LEO.'  
'You two will lead **The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade**,' Bradley told them. A clap of even more convenient thunder and a flash of lightning appeared as he said the title of their new war. 'The brigade will be a highly trained force of the best of the best Anti-Sues, Flamers and Sue-Bashers in Amestris!'  
'Damnation and Hellfire.'  
'Sorry toots, we're not going to help you. We have enough business to deal with,' Oskar told them.  
'WHAT?' Bradley screamed, 'B-but, one of our students has been hit by Vocal Fail Alchemy! It opened the gate, and now all sorts of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus are turning up! Not to mention if you refuse you will be destroying whatever is left of the plot!'  
Oskar sighed, 'Very well… Name them.'  
Yoku brought out a long list of names, cleared his throat and began to read them out, 'Mary-Sue Blackcurrant,  
Hanna,  
Barrr Chuckle,  
Sephiroth/Seph/Sephy/Sephy-poo/That silver-haired sex demon,  
James Bond,  
Audrina and her twin sister Autumn,  
Bella Swan,  
Wesley Crusher,  
Julia Nakahamou,  
God,  
Mickey-Jesus- who calls after sex and puts the toilet seat down,  
Justin Bieber,  
Aika Mustang,  
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way,  
Willow,  
Vampire Potter,  
Samwise Gamgee,  
Wayne the Goblin,

And Edward Adolf Elric.'

'Hey!' A voice from the crowd cried out.  
Oskar said, 'That's a lot of names…'  
'Yes, but they are just a small number of the true amount of malevolent forces pouring out of The Gate! Now go! Amestris needs you!' Bradley said.

'Ah! So you were the bastard who messed up my laptop!'

There was a pause. 'What?'

'Never mind.'  
_

Ed and Roy were sat in detention, waiting to practice the part when they make sweet monkey love, 'Roy?'  
'Yes Edward?' the black-haired male asked.  
'Those two boys…'  
Roy shuddered, 'Yes?'  
Ed sighed and looked at the ceiling in an epic display of his emotional volcano, a stray tear fell from his eyes, 'I think the one with pink hair is gay…'  
Roy rolled his eyes.  
After standing silently behind the two schoolboys, like the perverted ninja that he is, Maes chose this moment to bound up to them, he was grinning and holding pictures of Gracia, 'LOOK! Look at my _darling _Gracia! Isn't she beautiful?' he shoved over 9000 photos of Gracia in the other two's faces. 'Look! This one is of her in her uniform! HOW CUTE DOES SHE LOOK!?'

Ed and Roy sighed, 'She looks cute,' they chorused monotonously in the hope that Maes will shut up. 'This one is of us in the park… this one's at her house! Ooohoohoo! This one is of her in the shower! And this one is of her spotting me! SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE WHEN SHE'S ANGRY! And this one is of her chasing me out of her house naked and thi-.'

'Yes, yes. You can stop now,' Roy said firmly, while pulling out a blowtorch.  
At this moment, a seventy year old teenager entered the room, 'To me, to you!'  
The class looked at the doorway to see who the person was talking to, but saw no one.  
Ed started crying, he buried his head in his hands, 'I think he's delusional!'  
Roy and Maes rolled their eyes, 'Ed… Quit making the readers think you're an over-emotional idiot.'  
Ed sat up straight and wiped the tears from his eyes, 'Sorry. Got carried away with the faggotry…'  
The new arrival raised his hand and said, 'Hi! I'm Barr!'  
The class blinked, 'It's him,' Kayal, a year seven student, who was playing a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania, muttered.  
Barrr turned to the class and said, 'Have any of you seen my brother dad? I've been looking everywhere for him.'  
Everyone was scared; there was no way they would be safe from the Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus if Barrr Chuckle managed to find his way into the heavily protected school (There were electric fences and deadlocks everywhere).  
Ed looked quickly at Roy as if pleading with him, 'Do that thing you can do.'  
'My thing?'  
Edward nodded, 'Yes, your thing.'  
'But, the thing hasn't been used in months. Not since-'  
'LOOK! Do you want us to die here?'  
'No-'  
'Then use the thing!'  
Roy sighed, he pulled out his blowtorch and Maes's deodorant, he fired the blowtorch towards Barr (All the other students got out of the way). However, by some REALLY SHOCKING twist of fate, a Large Generic Object (Trademark) got in the way and absorbed Roy's fiery fire.

'WHAT!? THIS CANNOT BE!' Roy shouted out, typical anime-style. After the fire dissipated, a figure stepped out from behind the Large Generic Object, now revealed as a giant box of Pocky. The edgy and clichéd smoke cleared, to reveal…

'OMG! SO KAWAII DESUKAAAAAAA!'

Roy anime-sweat dropped. 'Really? Wow, author. You can be a real ass.'

'IT'S MY JOB, ROY. NOW, STOP COMPLAINING SO I CAN CARRY ON WRITING.' The same booming voice yelled back.

'Oh, yeah. Sorry.' Roy bowed in apology. 'Anyway, how did you two get in?! The whole school has death-camp style patrols! You would've got shot within 900 feet from the fences!'

'My alchemy made all the guards throw themselves out of their towers! XXXXD ^_^ *_*'

Ed shuddered, he raised his eyebrows in exaggerated fear when AiSue smiled at him.  
'Oh Gate,' Al said, 'She actually _says_ the 'XD'.'

'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?' Ed had by now went into panic stations and had collapsed onto the floor, his midget frame shaking violently from petrified sobs.

'Author?' Roy looked to the ceiling.

'YES?'

'Can you end this chapter now?'

'YEAH SURE, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO WRITE.'

'Much appreciated.'


	9. Chapter 9

****Note**- This is where the new chapters start- the rest had been rewritten.  
And now for your regularly scheduled fanfiction.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter VIII**

Mary-Sue was so happy! She, Hanna, Barr and Gary-Stu were all in Amestris! Excited, Mary-Sue stood up, jumping happily as the happy feeling from chapter two returned, apparating like Albus Dumbledore. She turned to Hanna who was snoring loudly and dive-bombed her, 'WAKE UP!' she muttered in Hanna's ear, 'LOOK WHERE WE ARE! SQUEE!'  
Hanna shot up, 'Mary-Sue? Where are we?'  
Mary-Sue smiled widely, not even Hanna's concussion could stop her from being happy, 'OMG Hannerrr! We're in Amestris, the FMA world! We can meet Ed and Roy! YEY!'  
Gary-Stu rolled over, muttering something about rabbits. Mary-Sue shook him and Barr awake, 'Come on guys, wake up!'  
Barr was the first of them to wake, he yawned, 'To me, to you,' while stretching before hugging Hanna.  
Hanna looked around, causing her head to hurt, she felt like a lot of weight had been taken off her, and like there was a lot less pressure in her head. _'I must have concussion,'_ she thought. The girl gasped as she saw a Military HQ across the street from where they lay, cold and wet in an alleyway. Several people passed by them, assuming the four to be homeless people. Mary-Sue was not happy about this. In fact, when one person walked passed and dropped some money, she stood up and began yelling at them in Japanese. She assumed that they would understand- Amestris was created by a Japanese woman after all. However, the meaning was lost on everyone except for an old Xingian woman who was visiting with her grandson. She covered the boy's ears and swore at Mary-Sue.  
Mary-Sue was very upset about being called an Emperor's Harem reject. She flipped the old lady off, but she did not see as she was now walking to the general store next door.  
Hanna prodded Mary-Sue, 'Look Mary-Sue, it's the Central HQ!'  
Mary-Sue and Barr stared at Hanna, 'Hanna?' Mary-Sue said, now very worried about her friend, 'Do you have concussion? You're talking differently, UAHH!'  
Hanna frowned, then realised that this action hurt, she nodded, 'Maybe, but I'll be fine. Let's go find the Colonel.'  
Mary-Sue waltzed over to the gates of the HQ, with the others following her. Gary-Stu had found a mouse, and was by this time petting its corpse (for he had broken its neck during the petting). Mary-Sue smiled at the guards, who were shaking violently with bright red faces. Eventually, the blood pressure in their faces sprayed out of their eyes. The first guard started to tap dance, while the other was currently trying to destroy an evil ring with an imaginary ginger midget.  
Mary-Sue, hating The Lord of The Rings, and any of its related works, screamed at the guard in an ultra-high frequency voice, causing his brain to self-destruct. The exploded pieces of brain melted out of his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose. He died.  
They entered the HQ, and immediately went to the reception desk. A young woman with blonde hair smiled at them, 'How can I help you?'  
'We're looking for the Colonel.'  
The blonde frowned in confusion, 'There are a lot of Colonels. Are you looking for anyone in particular?'  
Mary-Sue could not believe- this stupid woman should have called for Roy! 'Yes,' Mary-Sue said slowly, 'Colonel Roy Mustang.'  
The receptionist shook her head, 'There is no Roy Mustang in the military. There is a Ray Drumstrrang, Gregor Mustang and Felicity von Boomboomtrappe, but no Roy Mustang.'  
Mary-Sue cried, 'WHAT? But Roy Mustang is a State Alchemist! He has a team! You know- Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Heymans Breda and Edward Elric!'  
'You forgot Vato Falman and Kain Fuery,' Hanna supplied.  
Mary-Sue gave her an odd look, 'Who? You're acting weird Hanna. Why are you pulling that face sir?' she asked the receptionist.  
The woman coughed, 'I'm sorry for your plight,  
For it seems you've had a fright,  
For young Mr. Elric,  
Is at school with the young Heidrich,  
They are only teens as you would say,  
So I'm afraid that you may,  
Have to go fu-.' The receptionist finished her 'poem' as Mary-Sue screamed at her in the high-pitched voice that killed the guard, 'FUCK YOU, YOU LOTR FAN!'  
The receptionist fell dead. Paramedics rushed in to take away the woman's body. Almost immediately, a second woman entered, and replaced the blonde.  
She smiled at the four, 'Hello, how can I help you?'  
Mary-Sue just dragged her friends and brother out with her. When they got outside, Hanna said, 'Why don't we check the school she mentioned?'  
Mary-Sue swiftly turned to face her, 'Shut up Hanna! Gate, I don't want to put up with your concussion! You're acting so different!'  
Hanna slapped her, 'You corrupted me! I lost _brain cells_ because of you! I can't believe I'm stuck here with you! Oh, I wish I was friends with Logan and Harvey, at least _they_ are interesting!'  
Mary-Sue gaped, she shouted at her former friend, 'Well go then! See if I care!' With that, she left Hanna and set off towards the school with Barr and Gary-Stu.

Up ahead, Mary-Sue watched as the guards at the Central High Secondary Academy School College jumped out of their towers and fell to their deaths. This cheered the girl up, as seeing idiotic guards commit suicide like how Dumbledore fell in the sixth Harry Potter book (and film) was her idea of amusement. She thought about how Ed would like the first Harry Potter novel because of the Sorcerers' Stone. She never read the English version, because in her eyes, it was a complete rip off of John Karl Rowling's original books (Of course, when presenting this idea in front of Logan, she got herself laughed at).  
The three entered the building with ease, and busied themselves with finding Edward Elric and Roy Mustang. They would prove that receptionist wrong, and they did _not_ need that two-faced bitch Hanna.


	10. Chapter 10

****Note**- It was the best of fanfics; it was the worst of fanfics.**

**The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade  
Chapter Nine**

Bradley met back with Scar during these events. Scar was busy working on a case; a speed-dating regular was found dead outside the building. Scar, being an Ishbalan, was relatively new to the Amestrian past times. He asked Bradley for help. 'It's what they call speed-dating. Rumour has it our victim had fifteen dates.'  
'Well, you know what they say,' Scar said, he put on his sunglasses, 'Speed kills.'

**YEAH!**

Somehow, the entire group managed to escape the classroom while Mary-Sue was screaming at the Author in Xingese. There was apparently a debate on the true way of saying the Xing language, some people said 'Xingian' while others said 'Xingese'.  
Edward met up with Alphons Heidrich, his not-so secret crush (to his friends that is). Alphons was Ludwig Van Beethoven's grandson, and had a tendency to talk in that foreign language. He did not tell anyone what the famous words 'Wo bin ich' meant, using it as his favourite joke between him and his family.  
Edward was delighted to find Alphons; he was terrified of Mary-Sue, and was glad to have company (he lost Roy in the stampede out of the room). He gasped and then said to his friend, 'They're here! We just saw Mary-Sue and Barr!'  
But Alphons was not paying attention; he was staring at a figure behind Ed. Ed froze, he then slowly turned to see a silver-haired man wearing black trousers and a black trench coat with silver shoulder pads. His chest was mostly bare except for what looked like seatbelts crossing over it. Alphons's eyes widened and he stared at the man's chest, 'Well damn...'  
Edward knew what was coming, the silver hair was the indication that he needed to know that this was Sephiroth, well that and some teenage girl whining about 'Seph!'  
He grabbed Alphons's arm and pulled him into the caretaker's cupboard. Alphons looked at Ed in surprise when the shorter transmuted the door into part of the wall. He watched as Ed shivered from prolonged exposure to Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. Alphons leaned forwards to whisper to Ed, 'Who was that? He was _gorgeous_!'  
'That was Sephiroth- one of the Gary-Stus mentioned in our assembly yesterday.'  
'Oh... The silver-haired sex demon?'  
'Yeah.'  
'So... Why can't I be with him?'  
Ed sighed, 'That stalker of his will tear you apart. See that sword of his? She has a more dangerous weapon.'  
'What's that?'  
'A materia called Knights of the Round. Apparently it's the best one of the series he belongs to.'  
Alphons thought for a second then said, 'Doesn't stop him from being sexy.'  
'You're telling me...'  
There was another long silence, which involved Alphons looking Ed up and down. The shorter male was quite attractive for his height. Even if Edward _wasn't_ a silver-haired sex demon, it did _not_ stop him from being an enigma. An attractive enigma. An attractive enigma that was currently wondering why his friend was staring at him with eyes wandering in the wrong (or right depending on who you are) direction.  
Ed raised an eyebrow, 'Alphons, why are you-.' He was cut off by Alphons pressing his lips to Ed's own, and groping him.

Meanwhile, Roy had just run into the most attractive girl he had ever laid eyes on. He wanted to take her to bed and then leave her the next day without calling. She had long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches her mid-back. She looked exactly like Amy Lee (Roy did not know who Amy Lee was, but he could not get the hell outta here!). The girl's breasts were huge, and she was thin. She wore black eyeliner, white foundation, red eye shadow and black lipstick. She was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it, a black mini skirt, red fishnet tights, and black combat boots. She looked like a whore, and that was just how Roy Mustang liked his women.  
The girl gave Roy the flirty eyes. He noticed how fucked up she looked, but something was drawing him to her. He wanted to put her ring on his finger if you know what I mean. He slowly made his way over to her; his eyes were fixed to her chest, then...

Out of nowhere, a fat ginger midget knocked him out of the way. Roy quickly came to his senses, and sent a stream of alchemical fire to the girl, who turned and ran. The ginger walked over to him and helped Roy stand. 'Who are you?' Roy asked.  
The fat ginger midget replied with a slight West Country accent, 'Don't attack me like her, sir. I was lumped with her kind by Mr. Frodo's fangirls, I swear!' he squawked as Roy lifted him up to his height. 'Lor bless you sir! Begging your pardon! I'm Sam Gamgee sir!'  
Roy dropped him, 'What do you mean by 'lumped with her kind'? We were told that you were a Gary-Stu.'

Sam Gamgee shook his head quickly, 'I'm not a Gary-Stu, sir! I'm Mr. Frodo's gardener, sir, but his fangirls think that I'm trying to sleep with him with perfectness, sir! Begging your pardon, sir, but I have my flaws, I can prove it to you sir!'  
Roy pinched the bridge of his nose, 'Very well, just call me Roy, not sir.'  
Sam nodded, 'Right you are Roy,' he then muttered 'sir' under his breath. He added, 'I'm not very well educated, and I was part of the Conspiracy with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin and Mr. Fatty! A lot of fans insulted me for being suspicious about Gollum; if I weren't he might not have tried to kill me and Mr. Frodo, and-.' He was interrupted by Roy, who shook him lightly to stop the midget from crying (which he was on the brink of doing), 'What _are_ you? You're shorter than _Ed_ for God's sake!'

Sam stuttered out a word that had Roy asking him to repeat, 'A hobbit Roy, sir. I'm a hobbit of the Shire.'  
'What's a hobbit?'  
'A Halfling, but we call ourselves hobbits. We're like Men, Roy sir, only short with bigger furry feet... and many other differences that are too many to list. The audience would get bored, sir.'  
Roy nodded, 'So... You aren't a Gary-Stu?'  
Sam looked offended, 'No! If anyone is then it is Mr. Frodo, and that's only because he's perfect!' he got a slight dreamy look in his eyes, then snapped out of a stupor, 'I mean he isn't of course sir, but-.'  
Roy stopped him, 'I understand. Do some fans consider you 'Gay for him'?'  
Sam nodded.  
Roy shrugged, 'Ed's gay... and obvious about it. It's not like you can be any more flamboyant than him, Tucker or Garfiel.'  
'Who's Garfiel?'  
'Shou Tucker's homosexual bum chum.' He looked down at Sam and thought to himself, _I wonder if I should trust him... He doesn't look _too_ harmless... But..._ 'How did you know to keep me away from her?'  
'She has the same sort of magic as the One Ring that Mr. Frodo had to destroy in the Cracks of Doom. It kept trying to make him put it on his finger, sir.'  
'The ring did?'  
'It was made by the Dark Lord himself, Roy sir. It managed to take control at the end.'  
'Then what happened,' by this time, Roy was interested.  
Samwise struggled, 'Mr. Frodo was under the Ring's power, sir. But Gollum fought him and bit off Mr. Frodo's finger, and fell into the mountain. Mr. Frodo's known as Frodo of the Nine Fingers in most of Middle-Earth now, sir.'  
'And who _is_ Frodo?'  
'Mr. Frodo Baggins, sir, is Mr. Bilbo's heir. They're both hobbits. Me and Mr. Bilbo are from Hobbiton, but Mr. Frodo was born in Buckland like Mr. Merry. Mr. Bilbo went on an adventure on his fiftieth birthday (which was eighty-two years ago), and fell out of respect from most of the hobbits, but my Gaffer doesn't think he's queer, sir, or not by much at least. Mr. Frodo is Mr. Bilbo's first and second cousin once removed either way. Mr. Frodo's gone to the Grey Havens with Gandalf, Mr. Bilbo and the Elves, sir,' his eyes lit up when he mentioned the Elves.

Roy looked behind himself when he heard Maes call his name. He turned away from Sam, 'Maes! Thank God, this Mary-Sue was here and-.'  
Maes stopped him, 'Do you realise that I got called a Nazi by that girl? What is a Nazi? Who's that?' he added when he saw a certain fat ginger midget.  
Roy looked uncomfortable, 'He's the victim of Gary-Stu pretence. This is Sam Gamgee, be careful, he calls everyone 'sir'.'  
'I call lasses 'miss', Roy sir.'  
'See what I mean?'  
Maes nodded, 'Right... What _is_ he? He's shorter than _Ed_.'  
'That's exactly what I said!' Roy said.  
Maes asked, 'So what's this about a Mary-Sue?'  
Roy said, 'She was beautiful, I felt drawn to her, you know? She was terrifying!'  
Sam added, 'She's the kind to sleep with more Men than the amount of hobbits in the Shire, if you get me, sir.'  
'...Yes...'

After leaving Sam with Maes (explaining everything with the hobbit, and telling his friend to 'Make sure he doesn't get into trouble'), Roy set off to find Edward. He came to a cupboard when he heard moans. Fearing the worst, he reversed the transmutation, and opened the door to find Edward Elric and Alphons Heidrich doing sexual acts to each other.  
Edward gasped, 'Shut the door you pervert!'  
Scared, Roy shut the door and did transmutation again. 'Oh my God...'


	11. AN

****Note** - I would like any reader to know, that this fanfic is on a temporary hiatus. I **_**am**_** still writing, but we don't have the internet at home. So I have to use my school's internet to upload.  
However, if anyone feels like making a TV Tropes page for it, that would be great. Author bias and all that, I'd never be able to manage.  
Don't forget to review with contribution! I would greatly appreciate them!  
Follow me on Twitter for updates at S_aftershock, or like my Facebook page- StereophonicAftershock.**

**SA**


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